Question:

AA, Thank you for offering such a wonderful platform. May Allah reward you with goodness. I am a practicing muslim and so is my husband. My brother in law proposed his friend to my mother and she found him suitable for me. I was ___ years old and my husband was ___ when we got married. After my marriage, I was mentally tortured by his family where I was accused of many things and I was labeled “Not a nice girl” “Thief” and etc. by his mother and his siblings. My mother in law and his siblings cruel treatment pushed me to the point of running away or just committing suicide (May Allah forgive me for having such thoughts) as she along with her children treated me inhumanely for several years and till date they have no ties with me and I don’t exist to them. Please know I have not spoken to them in bad manner or responded poorly to my mother in law or her children.

My relationship with my husband on the other hand was bad as well. I would like to highlight this that I had no knowledge of how marriage is consummated and nobody talked to me about it before my marriage. My husband told me that he has a problem and he is unable to do it. I supported him as my sisters put the idea in my head that it is not a big deal. Hence, having no knowledge of what is happening I decided to support my husband. The problem continued and he refused to seek help. He even told me that it is because of me for 5 years and I believed him and took it on me for failing in the marriage. I got severely depressed, put on weight, got miserable and my husband continued to torture me mentally by blaming me for not able to adjust with his family, for making him leave his parents, and not keeping ties with anyone. He continued to tell me that I am a difficult person, cursed me multiple times, said no one will marry you, I should be grateful that he married me, you are an unsuccessful person, and etc.

Every time I try to talk to him about our problem, he gets upset and calls me “desperate”. I then failed to communicate with him without a fight. I developed a problem myself called PCOS due to stresses and weight, I have to tell the gyno the truth and I have had uncomfortable conversations with them. It’s been 10 years to our marriage and still my husband refuses to seek help. He told me and other doctors that he had this issue before marriage. He confessed this after many years and agreed that he had this issue before. He lied to me into marrying him and deceived me. I also came to know that he has been masterbating since we got married. I have found it so many times but never had proof until he walked out of the bathroom and forgot to close his phone tabs when he confessed all about it. It was painful for me but he got back to his habit and continued while I waited for him to get better.

He denied my right for many years and I continued to support him in any way I can. Now we sleep in different rooms and he continues to masterbate. He also hides money from me, and keep money records with me even though I do not earn. I never had a job before or after my marriage. He tells me that he earns the money and you should get a job. He has also said that he is better than me. I once again tried to have a calm conversation with him about our underlying problem to which he stated that “I will go ___ a prostitute to know what is wrong with me”. It was very painful and he did not speak to me for 3 days after saying that.

He blamed me for making him say that. He also have said that “we do not connect spiritually on many levels” yet he refuses to let me go. He refuses to get help. My mother thought that things will get better and she along with my sister kept telling me to try. I had no support from my family and they supported him over me, this is the reason why I am still married to him. I try to tell him that what he is doing is wrong in Islam and he tells me that I will fulfill my parents duty to at least have one less thing to worry about. He treats me badly and refuses to support me in times of need. He has destroyed me mentally and I get a new label every time I speak to him. He believes that he is doing nothing wrong and all he worries about his money, and his retirement plan. I have been patient for 10 years and I will continue to be as long as ALLAH wants me to. I don’t know how I am enduring this – it is ALLAH who has given me so much strength to endure this but at times, I lose my patience and become hopeless. I don’t know what to do at times.

I cry sometimes that my husband has taken my right to have children and to have family of my own. He makes me feel unwanted and undesired. I have never cheated on my husband, I have been faithful, loyal, and supportive yet he tells me I have done nothing and says that “You have not left me is the only thing you have done”. He believes he is the victim. He wishes bad for me at times, and verbally abuse me. I know he is using me and I know he has no issues, and I do not know why he is doing this. He refuses therapy and medical help. My mother tells me that he is perfectly fine yet she wants me to stay with him. Please guide me in the light of Islam to what should I do? I am patient in this and prays to Allah for patience, and be on right path. Please guide me in the light of Islam. JazakAllah

Answer:

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

We take note of the disturbing contents of your email. We make dua Allah grant you courage and strength to overcome this personal and sensitive issue.

Intimacy and consummation are natural and an integral part of a marriage. It is a means of fulfilling one’s natural desire and maintaining chastity.

You should have addressed this issue at the beginning of the marriage. It is unfortunate that you do not have family support and you have endured for ten long years. Your husbands verbal abuse and conduct is also unfortunate.

If you cannot tolerate the abuse, and he is depriving you of your marital and natural rights, then you should explore avenues to relieve yourself. You should make Istikhaarah and ask Allah to guide you and give you strength and courage to stand up for your rights. You do not have to live in suppression and oppression.

A married woman has been given rights by Allah and his Rasool (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam). After having made Istikhaarah, you should inform your mother and sister that you have made Istikhaarah. The guidance of Allah is the best guidance. Inform them that you that you wish to take action and you need their support.

Inform your husband that you have endured too much and now you want relief. You want him to seek medical help. If he does not cooperate, then you may request him to issue you a Talaq. If he refuses, then you may approach your local Ulema Judicial Body to annul the marriage. Impotency and non-consummation are grounds for annulment of marriage.[i]

Sister, in the meanwhile, perform Salatul Haajah, turn to Allah for guidance and assistance. Do not be afraid in claiming your Shar’i rights. If you do not do so, you will face greater challenges in future.

And Allah Ta’ala Knows Best 

Checked and Approved by, 
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

(2021-06-25)

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[i]  الدر المختار شرح تنوير الأبصار وجامع البحار (ص: 244)

ويؤجل من وقت الخصومة ما لم يكن صبيا أو مريضا أو محرما، فبعد بلوغه وصحته وإحرامه، ولو مظاهرا لا يقدر على العتق أجل سنة وشهرين (فإن وطئ) مرة فبها (وإلا بانت بالتفريق) من القاضي إن أبى طلاقها (بطلبها) يتعلق بالجميع

الأصل للشيباني ط قطر (2/ 238)

 ألا ترى أن الجارية البكر الحرة إذا تزوجها الرجل فمكثت عنده لا يصيبها فرافعته إلى القاضي أجّله سنة، فإن وصل إليها وإلا فرق بينهما

اللباب في شرح الكتاب (3/ 25)

(وإن كان) الزوج (عنينا) وهو: من لا يصل إلى النساء، أو يصل إلى الثيب دون الأبكار، أو يصل إلى بعض النساء دون بعض، فهو عنين في حق من لا يصل إليها، فإذا رفعته إلى الحاكم (أجله الحاكم) المولى (حولا) تاما؛ لاشتماله على الفصول الأربعة (فإن وصل إليها) مرة في ذلك الحول فبها (وإلا فرق) القاضي (بينهما إن طلبت المرأة ذلك) وأبى الزوج الطلاق

الاختيار لتعليل المختار- ط. العلمية (3/ 128)

والعنين الذي لا يصل إلى النساء ، أو يصل إلى الثيب دون الأبكار ، أو يصل إلى غير زوجته ولا يصل إليها ، وتكون العنة لمرض أو ضعف أو كبر سن ، أو من أخذ بسحر ؛ فإذا كان الزوج عنينا وخاصمته المرأة في ذلك أجّله القاضي سنة فإن وصل إليها وإلا فرق بينهما إن طلب المرأة ذلك ، لأن لها حقا في الوطء فلها المطالبة به

فتاوی محمودیہ (19/449)

اگر عورت کو بوقتِ عقدِ نکاح شوہر کا نامرد ہونا معلوم نہیں تھا، اور معلوم ہونے کے بعد اس نے اس کے ساتھ رہنے پر کبھی رضامندی ظاہر نہیں کی اور وہ شخص اتنے عرصہ تک ایک مرتبہ بھی جماع نہیں کر سکا، اور عورت نے حاکمِ مسلم با اختیار کی عدالت میں مقدمہ پیش کیا اور حاکم نے تحقیق کے بعد ایک سال کی مدت علاج کے لئے مقرر کر دی اور وہ اس مدت میں بھی علاج کر کے جماع پر قادر نہیں ہوا اور پھر حاکمِ مسلم با اختیار نے شوہر کے سامنے فسخِ نکاح کا حکم لگایا ہے تو شرعا وہ نکاح فسخ ہوگیا