Question:

I have been married for 8 years and was raised in a western country. I married a man who said he would immigrate but then backed out. We have children whom I have had abroad on my own effort and strength.. I want the high standard of education and healthcare available here for my children, especially bc my parents worked so hard to escape countries that lacked this.

I have sacrificed ALOT and he acknowledges so little of it. Every hurdle I face here kills me inside. I hate myself as a mother..I feel like I let my children down. Even after moving here my in laws are very unkind to me and my children. I am fearful of having more children as a result when inside I truly want more. My husband does not think about where they will study or if more siblings is a beneficial thing. My children still are not fully immunised bc the health care here is not the best. I am very stressed as of lately bc I am wanting another child but this situation is as always stopping me again. If anything, I cry bc this situation got me closer to allah and that’s the ultimate blessing but at the same time what would allah want me to respond with.

Please help guide me as any request of understand I make to my husband ends with him saying I am too dramatic. I don’t mind even living here with him in this undeveloped country if he can give me an honest and trusting relationship, one with understanding and appreciation. Instead I hear that I am dramatic and  trying to break him from his family. May Allah reward you for the time and effort you put into answering these questions. [Edited to preserve identity of the questioner]

Answer:

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

Sister in Islam,

We take note of your distress and desperation. May Almighty Allah grant you courage to overcome your challenges. Aameen.

If what you have stated reflects the reality, then your husband’s attitude is unfortunate.

At the outset, we wish to mention that you should not lose hope in Almighty Allah’s help and mercy. He is well aware of your needs, so be rest assured that you have not been forgotten. Alhamdulillah, you have persevered through your difficulties with patience so far. Remember that Almighty Allah is close to you and will most definitely reward you abundantly from his infinite treasures.

Allah blessed with you with Imaan. That is the greatest bounty of Allah with guarantee of eternal solution. The few moments of misery in this world will soon end.

Allah blessed you with children. In reality, you are a means of at least two people with Imaan coming into this world. What about your coming generation? You will be rewarded for everyone’s Imaan. You are very close to Allah.

Never for a moment, doubt yourself as a woman. You deserve love and respect from all those around you. If you consider all the positive and good you have contributed to your children, how can you even begin to hate yourself as a mother?

Your children are young. They are observing your values. They will appreciate your values as they grow older and experience life. They will value you more than they will value their father.

You have invested 8 years of your life with your husband. Whilst his attitude and conduct is unfortunately un-Islamic, your patience has kept the unity of the family.

Always keep in mind that Almighty Allah loves you. The unfortunate difficulties you are currently undergoing are actually a testament to that.

We advise you to turn to Allah with making dua to Allah.

Allah says:

وَإِذَا سَأَلَكَ عِبَادِي عَنِّي فَإِنِّي قَرِيبٌ أُجِيبُ دَعْوَةَ الدَّاعِ إِذَا دَعَانِ فَلْيَسْتَجِيبُوا لِي وَلْيُؤْمِنُوا بِي لَعَلَّهُمْ يَرْشُدُونَ

And when my bondsmen ask you about me, verily I am close by (so call only on me).

I answer the prayer of the caller when he calls. So they should accept (my commandments and obey them) and always believe in me so that they remain on the right (with valid beliefs).

(Surah Al-Baqarah. Verse 186)

Allah the Almighty rewards you for everything you endure.

 

Consider the following ahadith,[1]

أن رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم قال: إذا أحب الله قوما ابتلاهم، فمن صبر فله الصبر، ومن جزع فله الجزع

Translation: “If Allah loves a people, he afflicts them with trials. Whoever is patient, has the reward of patience, and whoever is impatient, has the fault of impatience.”

قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم: من يرد الله به خيرا يصب منه

Translation: “If Allah intends good for someone, he afflicts them with trials.”

In order to reconcile between yourself and your husband, we would advise you to seek out a senior respectable pious member of the family who understands your situation and is able to intercede on your behalf. Alternatively, you could seek out a local respectable wise Aalim to assist you and speak to your husband.

If you have family of your own close by, you could get hold of someone you know and trust will have your best interests at heart. Request him to counsel your husband and his family. Seek his mashwera to determine what your next step should be.

We hope and pray that Almighty Allah removes all your difficulties and grants you, your husband and your entire family peace and blessings in your life. Aameen.

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

(15/09/2019)