Question:
I am facing a very difficult situation in my life with my mother, I do so much for my mother but sometimes I slip up and get tired and complain when I dont want to do something, my mum get extremely angry and upset when I am trying my utmost best but as humans we slip up sometimes, due to this my mother says very harsh extreme curses to me, like you will NEVER succeed in life MARK MY WORDS, you will never find someone for marriage, I hope a horrible person just comes knocking on the door and I will give you away to him for marriage, I hope you have a VERY BAD death, and I promise never to talk to you when you get married , your ibada will never get accept, ahadith will never go in your heart (as I am studying hadith and the tarjuma of quran) etc
This makes me extremely upset and very deppressed in life the, I know I am in the wrong when I asnwer my mum back sometimes, but majority of the time things are calm between us, but it’s just something so small that happens and it gets escalated and my mum gives me those extremely harsh curses.
I feel so hopeless in life, I feel like what’s the point my mother has cursed every part of my life , I feel like everything is going to go wrong in my life, this is very upsetting and depressing to think about, I dont know what to do and feel helpless, I needed someone to ask that will all these curses come upon me, if it does what will be left of my life, because my mother has also said I will have a bad death.
What should I do? Is there any way to reverse these curses, will these curses come upon me, I try my best to do lots of extra ibadah and try my best to pray tahajjud, but I think what’s the point, is it even accepted? Allah must be so angry with me as the the anger of Allah is in the anger of ones parents.
Also my relationship with my mother is such that i cannot even give her a hug or say sorry to her, it’s very hard as we dont have that relationship, I feel like my mum will ignore me and laugh at my face.
Everytime I have an argument with my mum and my mother curses me, I do feel very sad for my actions (eventhough It may of been something so small, my mother is extremely sensitive and resorts to cursing) I always make sincere tawbah and pray lots of istighafar after this happens, will this make the curse not come upon me, there are many times my mother is happy with me, but for some reason my mum just cant stay happy with me for a long time.
I do have lots of love for my mother ofcourse and in private pay money to build a well for her etc and make so much dua for her, but my mother does not realise that and thinks I hate her and I am being fake with my love to her when astagfirullah I am not. What is the point if life, my life is probably broken apart. Please if you could help me resolve my problem
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
We acknowledge that the situation as described in your letter is unfortunate and difficult to bear, and if your mother has indeed treated you like this through no fault of your own then it is certainly not correct.
A child deserves the love and attention of his/her father and mother. However, you also stated that the the majority of the time things are calm between you two. Focus on this positive aspect. At the same time, try to identify what causes your mother to react in the way you described. Since your mother is very sensitive as you stated, you should identify what things is she very sensitive to? If you can tune in to the triggers that set her off and find a way to avoid those, Insha-Allah that will go a long way in reducing these outbursts and the hurt they cause.
You have mentioned that you love her, however, she thinks that it is fake love on your part. Do not let that get to you. Continue to do your best and don’t ever fall into the trap of thinking that your mother’s negligence in her duties gives you the right to treat her the same way. Do give her a hug. Say sorry to her. Don’t worry about what her reaction “might” be. Rather, focus on what you can do to attain a normal relationship. You might be pleasantly surprised, and if not, you tried your best to show her you genuinely love her.
You are her daughter no matter what and you have continue to fulfill her rights. Be kind to her and don’t argue with her. Regardless of how she treats you, make dua (supplication) for her and ask Allah to give you patience and the ability to fulfill her rights. Make it a habit to make dua regularly for yourself and for her.
The rewards that Allah gives to those who are kind to their parents are beyond imagination. Continue to read them regularly as this will help you build up the ability to continue being kind to her in spite of her actions. You can read about the rewards of kindness towards parents at the following link: http://www.askimam.org/public/question_detail/32474
At the same time, this does not mean that you should continue to take this abuse and not try to do anything about it. Rather, you should seek the assistance of other elders in your family such as your father, uncle or aunt and tell them what you’re going through. Insha-Allah they can initiate a discussion with your mother and help improve relations between you and her. Whenever you speak with her on your own, use prudence and wisdom and avoid hurting her feelings in any way.
Sister, everyone faces difficulties in life. Some struggle financially, some face crippling health issues, and some have very difficult relationships, and so on. Your mother’s remarks and treatment are actually paving the way for you towards an easy entrance to Paradise, Insha-Allah so do not worry about what she says as long as you fulfill your rights towards her. You can only do what you have control over and what you have been commanded to do. Your mother’s remarks or feelings about you are not in your control and not your responsibility as long as you do your part. Insha-Allah, your ibadah and good actions will be accepted. Continue with them wholeheartedly.
Do not give in to your depression. We make dua that Allah give you the strength and courage to face this difficulty and get though it. Ameen.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best,
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
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