Who’s in charge?


I am married and have four children Alhamdulillah, my mother in law seems to be in control of them, I cannot make any decisions for them, I just feel like a babysitter and not a mother. My husband doesn’t understand me when I say I don’t feel like these kids are mine. How should i deal with this?


In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.


It is natural for grandparents to love their grandchildren. They have a tendency to even spoil their grandchildren. It is also normal for mothers to feel intruded in their motherhood due to the grandparents controlling attitude. You need to differentiate between love and control. Allow the grandparents reasonable access to your children to show love and affection. That bonding is necessary. However, you should be in control of them, not the grandparents. Do take charge of your children and let your attitude convey the message of who’s in charge.

We understand there is a silver lining between love and control. Love intrudes into control. It is up to you to draw the distinction between love and control. It may help to be a little firm on your authority and control over the children. Over time, your position to the grandparents will become clear. It is also possible when you start taking charge, that may cause turbulence in the attitude and relationship with the grandparents. Overlook and tolerate it. Focus on your goal. If you are not in charge of your children, you may face difficulty in moulding them the way you want them to be. Simply be in control, not controlled.

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Mufti Ebrahim Desai.


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