Emotional Torture During Pregnancy

Question:

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatahu. I am writing with a very heavy heart. My heart has had enough now.
I have 3 yr old boy and also pregnant with another baby. To be comprehensive I am a high achiever and also earn 4 times what my husband and that too from home. I have been living in joint family with parents-in-law and jeth jethani and a divorced sister-in-law who has been provided much authority (more than required). My husband has this problem of mentally and emotionally torturing me during my pregnancies. We also had numerous issues in 4 years of marital period. Every time he calls his and my parents and acts like a kid. Does not take any financial responsibility and is always a miser.
Two years ago, I miscarried my 5 months old fetus due to mental tension given just because I wanted to study and they did not allow me. He never wants to spend a penny on me in terms of care and doesn’t spare me even in the post partum period. I never want to complain to anybody neither his nor my parents and tend to be patient for the sake of Allah. But this time despite of a complicated pregnancy and having a cervical cercalage procedure done he has been torturing me did not care to talk to me in whole month of Ramadan and also complained his parents who made me feel as if I am standing in the court. They kept on questioning me in front of the whole family. I still chose to remain quiet and pray to Allah. Then on the day of Eid he complained my parents (Knowing that they are cardiac patients) and when they called him to talk and discuss the matter, he backed off and told his father to go with him. It is been four years since I am tolerating his behavior, I don’t know what to do. Kindly advise me should I stay with him or is it correct to get separated/divorced from him? People including my parents and friends have been telling me to leave him but I kept giving him chances. Now my heart is begging my mind to leave him. Kindly suggest me what should I do?

I would be immensely grateful if you provide me with the correct suggestion since you have the suitable knowledge for resolving the issue.

Answer:

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh. 

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

Respected Sister In Islam,

We are saddened to note the loss of your child and the various complications you have endured. May Allah grant you comfort and reward you with the best of returns. Ameen

We take note of the disagreement between you and your husband. At the outset, life is full of hardships and tests. Our relationships are among these tests. We remind you that this world is a temporary place and as such, the difficulties and joys of this world are also temporary. Tests and difficulties are a part of the natural order of this worldly life, and everyone is faced by it. The most beloved person to Allah, our beloved Prophet Muhammed (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) was also not exempt from the difficulties of this world. However, the attitude of a Muslim regarding difficulties and calamities is different from that of the disbelievers.

Tests and difficulties are a means of our status being elevated in the hereafter. When one sees the reward of his suffering in the hereafter, he will forget all his sufferings in the world. The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) has mentioned:

يؤتى بأنعم أهل الدنيا من أهل النار يوم القيامة، فيصبغ في النار صبغة، ثم يقال‏:‏ يا ابن آدم هل رأيت خيراً قط‏؟‏ هل مر بك نعيم قط‏؟‏ فيقول‏:‏ لا والله يا رب‏.‏ ويؤتى بأشد الناس بؤساً في الدنياً من أهل الجنة، فيصبغ صبغة في الجنة، فيقال له‏:‏ يا ابن آدم هل رأيت بؤساً قط‏؟‏ هل مربك شدة قط‏؟‏ فيقول‏:‏ لا، والله، ما مر بى بؤس قط، ولا رأيت شدة قط (رواه مسلم:5150)

Translation: Among the inmates of Hell, a person who had led the most luxurious life in this world will be brought up on the Day of Resurrection and dipped in the Fire and will be asked: ‘O son of Adam! Did you ever experience any comfort? Did you happen to get any luxury?’ He will reply: ‘By Allah, no, my Rabb.’ And then one of the people of Jannah who had experienced extreme misery in the life of this world will be dipped in Jannah. Then he will be asked: ‘O son of Adam! Did you ever experience any misery? Did you ever encounter difficulty?’ He will say: “By Allah, no my Rabb, I neither experienced misery nor passed through hardship. (Muslim:5150)

Allah will never test us beyond our ability to bear difficulties. This is understood from the following verse:

لا يكلف الله نفسا الا وسعها (البقرة: 286)

Translation: Allah burdens not a person beyond his capability. (Al-Baqarah: 286)

Every challenge that you refer to is decreed by Allah, Al-Hakeem (the most wise). He knows why He has put you in this situation. Be rest assured that you have the ability to deal with all the challenges you are facing.

Keep your trust in Allah. Allah has power and ability over everything. Place your conviction in Allah and continue asking him for relief. If Allah grants relief that is a bounty of His decree. If he decrees otherwise, that is His wisdom.

You state your heart is begging your mind to leave your husband. Remember, Allah has blessed you with the great bounty of the intellect. Allah created the brain above the heart. Apply your mind carefully and let rationale and logic prevail over emotions. Do not let emotions prevail over logic and rationale. Following emotions could lead you to further difficulty and hardship.

We advise that you continue to exercise patience in mending the relationship with your husband. Separating from your spouse can bring further hardships and emotional turmoil.  During these proceedings and feuds, children are affected the most. Furthermore, living without the presence of a parent can impact their psychological wellbeing and development.

Accordingly, we understand that many of your issues relate to your spouse and his treatment towards you.  We recommend that you take up the issue with a senior influential member of the family and a local Imam so that they can address these issues with him. Should this be of no avail, you may consider marriage counselling.

And Allah Ta’ala Knows Best

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

(05/2021)