I’m a revert to Islam. I reverted years ago and since then i have been regular with my prayers Alhamdulilah. I also learnt reading the Quran. I had no prior exposure to Urdu or Arabic but i started from the scratch. I joined a madarsa and learnt about Islam.Alhamdulilah now i teach Qur’an. My life has been filled with mujaiheda right from the point i accepted Islam. It was very difficult to make my parents understand and then get married without their consent and then facing a social boycott from my parents and family.
Akhirah things are much better now. But my married life has been a rocky one. Alhamdulilah my husband is very religious. It is through him that i came to Islam. He had been involved with the dawah work and had encouraged me to do the same. We regularly go in Jamat and it had increased me in my taqwa Alhamdulilah. I have personally benefited from it. In my marriage i have lost children, at the last stages of my pregnancy. Then i developed a lot of health issues which now make it very difficult for me to think about children. Due to this and other reasons, i have to often face long phases of separation from my husband.
But i have a problem.
My husband and i were discussing our lives and he asked me that inpite of doing everything, How is it that we dont lead normal lives like everybody else?What is it that we may be doing wrong?
Of course all tests are from Allah.. But there could be something amiss.So then he asked me that tell me from the beginning-What did you think when you were marrying me?
And i told him I’m so confused about this because it is through him that i got an invitation to deen.. And when you begin you really don’t have clarity of thought. It’s such a tumultuous phase of your life that you can’t be very clear… Of course i knew that even if we don’t marry even then I’ll remain a Muslim… But yes my primary driving force to come to deen was to marry him..i knew without converting i can’t marry him and i was willing to do anything for that.
Of course as i got to know Islam i wasnt insincere But yes.. My priority was husband first deen later.
May be i can say that i got more involved with deen because i knew it’ll please my husband.Yes.. Now it’s a different kaifiyat. But my husband says that this if what i did wrong. Alhamdulilah… Allah s been kareem that despite this flaw in neeyah he has given us everything..But i need to do tauba and astaghfar. And ask allah for guidance,That allah should put his love in my heart at no.1 position and then Rasool and then my husband He said that i have suffered more in this marriage, with the kids of children and Ill health… And that allah has been waiting for me to realise what i have done wrong. Of course allah loves me and that is why he guided me.. But may be allah wanted me to think… Because allah knows what is the hearts. He said that even after marriage..i saw nothing wrong with my priorities and that’s why i never changed..
I do understand what he is saying.. And i agree to it quite a bit..
But I’m very confused because wallahi.. After i had known allah.. He has been the only ilaha in my life..i bow down only to him.. But yes may be my persistence with deen initially could have been not for allah but for my husband. Now what should i do… Please make things clear for me. Help me.. How can i do this?
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Sister, be rest assured that you are fortunate. Allah chose you and guided you to his Deen. Allah made your husband a means for you to accept Islam. So, it was natural for you to be focused on your husband and you got gradually drawn closer to Islam. That is in fact the wisdom of Islam permitting such marriages. The diagnosis of your problems and attributing it to your first focus being your husband is incorrect. You have acted appropriately at that time and that attitude was actually the cause of your dedication to Islam.
At times, trials and tribulations in life are a means of one getting closer to Allah and ones status being elevated by Allah.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai