I’m female medical student. My parents have been married for over 30 years. Recently, I found out that my dad might have a relationship with his employee, she has been working with him over 20 years and unfortunately, most of the time they were two of them in the office. My dad has never been a responsible father to us, he comes home at midnight, though he and his family are known with their Islamic knowledge and life style. And he always blamed my mom for this weird situation, like “your attitude made me like this” though my mom took good care of everything of her home and three children despite all the negative things during her marriage. weeks ago I directly asked my dad about what it’s going on between him and his employee, and he answered me as five years ago they made nikah between themselves. He asked from me to keep this as a secret until next month, he said he’ll explain it to the family after my brother’s wedding. And even though I was broken in pieces, I agreed to keep it until that time.
Now, unfortunately, I’m full of hatred against him. I don’t want to talk to or even see him. Since I’m a very emotional person, I easily cry when I remember the upcoming things and may Allah forgive, I want my dad to be come unstuck to the society, really bad; though I know it’d affect also us. Ustadh, how can I handle this situation and overcome this hate? He is my dad and I’m about to curse him in my prayers, please help me to get rid of these horrible feelings. How should I pray? I know that a second wife in Islam is permitted, but with this situation, I find it really hard to accept, astaghfirullah. May Allah bless you, thank you.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh
Sister in Islam
There are three issues related to your query:
- Rights of a father
- Your fathers attitude
- His second marriage
Shariah has emphasized on the rights of parents. Allah says:
وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلاَّ تَعْبُدُوا إِلاَّ إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَاناً
‘And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment.’(Al Isra – 17:23)
Infact, in another verse there is indication if parents have erred, then too do not respond to them in the least rude way. Consider the following verse:
إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلاهُمَا فَلا تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلاً كَرِيماً
“Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” (Al Isra – 17:23)
In one Hadith Rasulullah Salallahu alayhi wasallam specifically addressed the lofty and sensitive position of the father.
Rasulullah Salallahu alayhi wasallam said: “the pleasure of Allah lies in the pleasure of your father and the displeasure of Allah lies in the displeasure of your father.”
حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو حَفْصٍ عَمْرُو بْنُ عَلِىٍّ حَدَّثَنَا خَالِدُ بْنُ الْحَارِثِ حَدَّثَنَا شُعْبَةُ عَنْ يَعْلَى بْنِ عَطَاءٍ عَنْ أَبِيهِ عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو عَنِ النَّبِىِّ -صلى الله عليه وسلم- قَالَ « رِضَا الرَّبِّ فِى رِضَا الْوَالِدِ وَسَخَطُ الرَّبِّ فِى سَخَطِ الْوَالِدِ ».
You are at an understandable age and mature enough to know what is right and what is wrong. If what you stated about your father is correct, then your father’s attitude is unfortunately incorrect. You were correct in approaching your father about his relationship with his employee. Your father correctly clarified his legitimate relationship with her and informing you of his Nikah with her. We understand that in spite of the relationship being Halaal, you will feel the pain.
Sister, your pain is natural and we understand your emotions. However, in such circumstances our Imaan should guide us to the correct response. Allah has given us brains to think and has given us Shariah as a measure to judge. We have to contain our emotions and conduct and let our rationale prevail over our emotions and conduct ourselves according to Shariah. There is Barakah and blessings in practising on the guidance of Shariah. If one follows his emotions, he will face greater challenges and suffer the many negative consequences of following his emotions. In many instances, the burden of following emotions are worse than the initial problem. That is due to following ones emotions and not following Shariah.
In your situation, we advise you to respect your father. Contain your pain of his incorrect attitude. Whenever the opportunity arises, advise him with love and care. This attitude will have far reaching positive effects than your proposed attitude of anger and cursing him.
Ask yourself the question – How will my anger help the cause? How will the curse help?
The love for your father is natural. It cannot be taken out from your heart inspite of you being angry at him. It is because of that deep rooted love you feel hurt. If your father is hurt or armed, that will also cause pain to you. Sister, make Sabr. Continue your respect to your father and turn to Allah with Dua. Allah is the controller of hearts. He changes the hearts of people. Make Dua to Allah to soften your father and change him. Allah is all hearing. Your Duas will never go unheard. This attitude will be in line with Shariah for which you will be rewarded and saved from further harm.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.