I don’t love my parents and I don’t think they love me

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Question:

Like my biological parents don’t love me and now I think that I don’t love them either due to some huge differences between us. Can I get adopted by other parents who would love me and wants to adopt me?


 

 Answer:

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

Allāh Ta`ālā says in the Holy Quran:

وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا (23) وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا

And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him and do good to parents. If either of them or both reach old age, do not say to them ‘uff’ (a word of anger or contempt) and do not scold them. And address them with respectful words, and submit yourself before them in humility out of compassion and say, “My Lord, be merciful to them as they have brought me up in my childhood.” [Al-Quran, Surah Al-Isrā, 23-24]

 

He the Almighty also mentions in another verse of the Holy Qur’ān:

وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَى وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ

And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination. [Surah Al-Luqmān, 14]

 

The illustrious Sahābī Abū Hurayrah (radiyallāhu `anh) reports:

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ قَالَ: جَاءَ رَجُلٌ إِلَى رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ فَقَالَ: يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ، مَنْ أَحَقُّ النَّاسِ بِحُسْنِ صَحَابَتِي؟ قَالَ: «أُمُّكَ» قَالَ: ثُمَّ مَنْ؟ قَالَ: «ثُمَّ أُمُّكَ» قَالَ: ثُمَّ مَنْ؟ قَالَ: «ثُمَّ أُمُّكَ» قَالَ: ثُمَّ مَنْ؟ قَالَ: «ثُمَّ أَبُوكَ»

 

A man came to Allah’s Messenger () and said, “O Allah’s Messenger ()! Who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?” The Prophet () said, “Your mother.” The man said. “Who is next?” The Prophet said, “Your mother.” The man further said, “Who is next?” The Prophet () said, “Your mother.” The man asked for the fourth time, “Who is next?” The Prophet () said, “Your father.”[1]

 

It is clear from the above texts that Allāh Ta`ālā has granted our parents great rank and honor to the point that He has mentioned that we must be grateful to our parents along with Him as well. No ordinary people on this Earth could ever be granted such a status.

Often as children we only consider the apparent interactions and confrontations we have with our parents without reflecting over the past sacrifices they have made in our cause. You must ask yourself, if your parents did not love you then why did they care for you while you were young? Why did your mother pacify you and soothe your heart when you would break down in tears when you were young?

If they truly do not love you, then why do they still care for you and give you shelter in their home? Why do they feed you when you are hungry? Why do they continue to put up with these “differences” without forcing you to leave their home? Why haven’t they simply kicked you out of their home and sent you to some other unknown family so this other family can “maybe love you” more than them?

Do you truly believe that once you move from your home and become adopted by another family that they will truly love you the way your parents love you now? Do you believe that they will really love some stranger who simply walks out on her parents because of some petty differences? We can never gauge the love that our parents hold for us until we ourselves become parents as well.

Once a blessed companion of the Messenger of Allāh ﷺ set out in the path of Allāh leaving his parents crying at home so that he could seek a greater reward in the hereafter. Upon seeing this, the Messenger of Allāh ﷺ replied to this companion in the following manner:

فَارْجِعْ إِلَيْهِمَا، فَأَضْحِكْهُمَا كَمَا أَبْكَيْتَهُمَا

Go back to them right now!  Make them laugh just as you caused them to cry.[2]

 

This is also our advice to you that you pool your thoughts together and contemplate over the great sacrifices that your parents have made for you since you were a child. Address these “differences” that you have with your parents in a calm and kind manner and let them know how you feel by showing compassion when you speak to them. Through patience and love, you will soon see the fruit of your efforts.

 

May Allāh Ta`ālā grant both you and your parents happiness in this life and the hereafter. Āmīn.

 

 

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

 

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

 

 

www.daruliftaa.net

[1] Sahih al-Bukhārī, 5971, The Book Of Manners

[2] Ibn Mājah, 2782, The Book of Jihād

حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو كُرَيْبٍ مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْعَلَاءِ قَالَ: حَدَّثَنَا الْمُحَارِبِيُّ، عَنْ عَطَاءِ بْنِ السَّائِبِ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو قَالَ: أَتَى رَجُلٌ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ فَقَالَ: يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ، إِنِّي جِئْتُ أُرِيدُ الْجِهَادَ مَعَكَ، أَبْتَغِي وَجْهَ اللَّهِ وَالدَّارَ الْآخِرَةَ، وَلَقَدْ أَتَيْتُ وَإِنَّ وَالِدَيَّ لَيَبْكِيَانِ، قَالَ: «فَارْجِعْ إِلَيْهِمَا، فَأَضْحِكْهُمَا كَمَا أَبْكَيْتَهُمَا»

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