Grieving Because You Are Unmarried?

Question:

Please help me in my problem. I am a 31 years old. I am very sad and depressed because I am not blessed with marriage by Allah. My heart aches when I see young mothers with children and I often wonder if I would ever get a child of my own. I often wonder if I would ever be loved by a husband..I have to be the subject of pitiful looks and whispers of other women solely because I am not married at the due age. My parents and siblings cannot understand my mental agony, my plight and the hardship I go through in my society. I feel life is empty and meaningless. I end up being the unlucky one at everything. All my friends have children and families of their own but me.several mowlanas have predicted that I will marry at a very late age and remedies should be done about it. My father chose not to do anything about it. Can any religious scholar predict like that about the future? It bothers and discourages me what mowlanas said. I am unable to shun that thought although I and my family are not inclined toward seeking mowlanas opinions and wearing taweez and doing ruqya.
Could you please be kind enough to give me advise?

Answer:

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

Happiness and grief are subject to our attitude and focus of life. There could be two persons experiencing a similar problem, for example two girls are of marriageable age, both are desirous of marriage, but one is content in her condition of not being married, and the other is in grief. The difference in the feelings is due to the attitude and focus of life of both girls.

Shari’ah advises us in worldly affairs to ponder and reflect on people more disadvantaged than us. This attitude and focus on life will make us realize how advantaged we are and jolt us to thank Allah. If one focuses on people more advantageous than us, then that attitude will lead to ungratefulness which in turn will lead to grief and sorrow.

Your feeling of grief is due to your incorrect attitude and focus on life. You are only focusing on your friends who are married and friends who are mothers etc. What about so many other young women who are married and divorced? What about so many other women who are in troubled marriages and are physically and emotionally abused? What about so many married women who are being cheated on by their husbands through extra marital affairs or secret marriages? The list goes on…I deal with such issues almost daily in my life and witness the pain and agony of many married women. While you think of the marriages of your friends and be happy for them, don’t let their happiness alter your happiness. Ponder and reflect on married women in trouble and pain. Indeed you are better off as you do not experience such pain and grief. Thank Allah for your present condition and submit to His will. Iman on Taqdeer and being happy on Taqdeer is the greatest act of worship. That is true submission and servitude. A slave of Allah simply submits to the decree of Allah. Allah loves that heart and such a submission. Remember the verse of the Quran- Allah says: “maybe you dislike a thing whereas that is better for you.” While you may think negative of your present condition, there may be many good hidden in that. Your situation may be a bounty in disguise.

Sister, you should never be affected by the behavior of members of society in response to you not being married up till now. We cannot change the way people are and how they behave. If members of society react negatively to a person, they also react negatively to a person in a troubled marriage. They may even react negatively to a woman who cannot conceive or even worse react negatively to a woman to bear many children. Should all these women be concerned with the negative attitude of society?The reality is everyone goes through some challenge in life. Those who react negatively to the challenges of others are immature and plainly stupid. Their stupidity should not dampen our intelligence.

We live in this world of means(Darul asbab). We adopt means for all our needs. It is through adopting means that Allah fulfills our needs. This is the system of Allah. The seniors in your family should assist you to find a suitable marriage partner. It is irresponsible of them not to make any effort in that regard and rely on the prediction of some people. Such predictions have no basis. Allah is Allamul Ghuyub and the only knower of the future and unseen. Each and every human being including the prophets, saintly people, Muftis and Ulama are all trapped in Ilmul Ghayb. Nobody knows with certainty what will exactly happen to them in future in this earthly life.You should not be living heavy heartedly in your parents home. You should be comfortable. If their attitude is of concern to you, you should discuss your feelings with them openly. If you cannot get across them, identify an appropriate person to discuss the issue with your parents and make them change their attitude regarding your marriage. In doing so, be respectful and diplomatic. While you adopt means to get married, do so because you need to, not because your friends and others are married.

In your single condition remind yourself of the countless blessings of Allah you are experiencing and also being saved from the various challenges of troubled marriages. In your attitude and focus of your mindset, lie your solution- peace, happiness and contentment.

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
Idealwoman.org

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5 Comments

  1. may Allah make it easy for this sister.and i wish to tell her to hang in there, as i have been through a similar situation and can completely relate to her.however mufti sahebs advice is extremely true but she should rest assured that Allah has reasons and plans for everyone and everything.Insha Allah if she has yaqeen her doors will open and she will see the reasons for the delay in her marrying.

  2. I am 37 years old and in the same condition. I have never been married. The difference is I’m so content with my life, I make Dua after every salaah including Thahajjud and I leave it to Allah Taala. Many families have tried to bring proposals but it never happens. For some reason they always cancel. My problem is that my mother is under stress regarding my condition -understandable. We tend to argue about it a lot because she says my father who is deceased (7 yrs) is getting punished in the grave because of my situation. I kept telling her its taqdeer Allahs will but she says its me !!!

  3. Salaam.I am 34,& also in that same position-except I was married b4.My marriage started off like a fairytale;bt after less than a year turned into a nightmare.I tried my best,but after 6 yrs I left,moved back 2 my parents house,and although Im lonely im much more happier as well.(luckily) we never had children.how much harder what it have been 2 leave?Algamdo lilah i hav a strong support from my parents & siblings-which makes it abit easier.so be thankful u not in such a situation,& I sincerely pray u never will be.Hav faith in our Creator.He has sumthing great planned 4 us.And if we dont get our Prince Charming here & now,we will in the Agirah Insha Allah.Be grateful for the here & now;if Allah so wills it he wil find u Insha Allah.

  4. Sunhanelah girl your are not alone I know how you feel because I am in your shoes. The expectation of the society is killing. I will tell you what everyone says yo me “do not chose” I did not see anyone yo chose from. I have a good job and that scares the guys what can I do I have to put a bread on a table. I just can not stop working …. It is confusing but put your trust on Allah and he is the best provider. I still make dua evry single day and I guess when the right time comes he will bring it with a blink of an eye. Keep me in your dua as I will do in mine. Be strong, I know it’s hard but remember Allah knows evry single pain in our hearts!

  5. tia

    Dear sisters,

    I am 35 and divorced. I can only say one thing that Allah will provide for you from where you have never imagined. Keep your trust on Allah.

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