Do I Have A Right To Ask For Khula?

Question:

I am from Arabia living in USA. I was engaged at a very young age to a relative who I had never seen or met before. When I was 17 my parents took me back home to get married. I was not happy at all with the boy. I did not want to marry him. But out of fear of upsetting my family, I agreed to marry him hoping it will work out after marriage. I knew the purpose of the marriage was for him to get a visa to live in USA. After we got married, I came to know he watches porn and has filthy images stored on his mobile and computer. I started disliking him even more. I became pregnant soon after and left to go back to USA without telling him of my negative feelings towards him. I stayed in USA for few years dreading to go back to him.

Eventually he got his visa and came to stay with me. After few days with him again, I just couldn’t stand the sight of him, I refused to have intimate relations with him. I discussed the issue with my parents; they were siding with him and defending him! So I had no one to ask help from. I felt all alone.

It has been months now since we have separated. I don’t want to waste my life with him. I have a professional career and can take care of myself and my daughter. He refuses to divorce me- at least until he gets citizenship to stay in the USA. My family regrets using me for his visa purposes but also do not want me to get divorced. What can you advise me in this situation? I just want to be released from this marriage as it is really disturbing my life, and at the same time i fear hurting his feelings since he has high hopes of getting his citizenship in USA. Do I have a right to ask for khula?

Answer:

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

It is unfortunate that you were led into this marriage against your will. You simply accepted your husband due to family considerations and also favored him in other ways. That is your kind heartedness for which you will be rewarded.

Sister, while we acknowledge you are not in an ideal situation,  now that you are in the marriage you will have to see what is the ideal thing to do right now. You either remain in the marriage in consideration of your daughter. She will have a father to show the full fatherly love and attention. Your daughter will not get this if there is a break up. She may get some attention and love from the father. In this situation you will require to suppress yourself and put the interest of your daughter ahead of your feelings. The reward for this is tremendous. However, if you are unable to make this sacrifice because you cannot bear being with your husband and you are certain that no amount of counseling and adjustments will change the condition of your heart, then this seems to be an involuntary condition  of the heart for which you are excused. In this condition, you should involve senior family members and request a khula in which you return the mahr to your husband in exchange of him divorcing you. If your husband agrees, then only the khula will be valid and will constitute one talaq ba’in.

If  he is spiteful and he does not agree to the khula or to divorce you, then you should consult your local Ulama to intervene and request to annul the marriage. If they too are unable to assist you, then you can tell your family members that you will report him to the authorities and get him deported if he does not issue you a divorce.This threat should be used merely to apply pressure on your husband to release you from the marriage. If he cooperates, then tell them you will let him stay in USA and will not hinder his citizenship progress. You have to be strong and firm in your demand. You should not submit to further oppression.

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

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3 Comments

  1. Salam,

    My story starts with me getting married and moving abroad leaving my whole family back home and settling down where my husband and husbands whole family lives. I was only 19 at that time and wanted to have a simple life with my husband. My husband neglected me since day one paying more attentions towards his family. His dad mentally disturbed me so much. I wasn’t allowed to have a lock on my bedroom door etc. then I had a son through c-section and I was told by my husband and mother in law that I’m not the first woman having c-section. I was all alone taking are of my infant and myself. For six years I stayed with my inlaws and didn’t have any friends or family I was always dependant on my husband to take me out and stuff. He wasn’t an ideal husband seemed like he didn’t enjoy my company or whatsoever. After 6 years we moved out as it was getting really difficult for me to cope with my father inlaw. I now have two kids. I do everything at home myself. Cleaning cooking I work full time take care of kids and have gotten independent now have set of friends and try to do stuff with them sometimes with kids too. All of a sudden now my husband is not liking my independence. When I am with him he ls always saying hating words or sarcastic jokes to make me feel bad. We don’t have any sort of physical relationship. He never approaches me. Whatever I do or like he has issues with. I feel very suffocated. I know I can get separated from him as I am paying for the groceries in the house and paying half the bills but I feel like my kids will suffer. But they are suffering even now by seeing us fighting all the time. I need help from a person who doesn’t know us . Went to a councellor and she was kind of against my husband and agreeing with me. I think whatever has happened in the past with me I’ve been shattered and can’t respect my husband anymore. I believe rather than disrespecting him more I set this in peace and leave… Your thoughts?

  2. Hi, I am having quiet similar issues with my husband. He is not interested in physical relationship with me in. Now it’s been 9 months he has not touched me. He always says it’s my fault that I don’t respect him and always instigate fights. How can I not fight when he is not giving me my conjugal rights and lives with me as a brother. I have two sweet boys and been married for 13 yr. I have been forgiving him. Ever since I have been married I have caught him 11 times on gay websites and a few text romantic messages from male friend. When I fight and ask him why he says it is just out of curiosity and that he is not interested in men. Most of the time he denies and claims that I am lying. I can never live or tolerate this kind of husband anymore. I am asking him for a divorce if he refuses I will go to a mosque ans ask the Shaikh to give me khula inshallah.

  3. Salam, I am a married woman since last 6 years, before marriage i was in a relation with a boy we were sincere with each other wanted to get married but at that time he was not settled and my parrents want me to get marry soon so they rejected the boy i liked and ask me to marry an unknwn guy who was eleven years elder then me, it was my parrents wish so i compromised and got married and was tryimg to forget the boy i liked, after few mnths of marriage i got to know that my inlaws lied alot of things at the time if rishta like abt his salary his job his education financial status every thing was lied,my husband is physically unfit like he can\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\’t do intercourse properly due to wich i was having problem to concieve dr ask us to go.for test tube baby my parrents were askimg me to take khula but i didnt and after 4 years we go for testtube and successfully we hav triplets babies, i was sincere with my husband we were living a good life but not the one that i wanted my husband always keep lying abt his job he is not settled yet my parrents are supporting me my kids i dnt hav any sort of support frm huuby or inlaws i m just 25 years old i also want a happy loving life but my husband is doing no effort to make our life better my parrents are concerned they dnt like him either as they say that he have lied so much abt him so we cant trust him and so do i.. i tried for whole 6 years to make this marriage sucessfull but no return my husband is v non serious with the kids too like my kids love my father more then my husband he dnt show any fatherly attitude towards the kids but he is good by nature because he dnt hav any sort of reponsiblity on him me my parrents hav tried hard to convince him but he is still the same thts why he is always beimg so nice to uss, anyways now after 6 years the boy i loved called me and said m settled now and want to marry u i told him that i.hav kids he.said i’ll take care of u and them as well i didt say any thing to him i m not in relation with him but i liked him before my marriage and during my marriage i used to think of him too , and now i want to be with this guy as i dnt knw whats my husbands plans are we dnt hav any sort of lov between us yea we dnt fght but we are not.living a husband wife type life either m also a girl i also want a happy steady life a secure future of me and my kids which my husband cant give.. please tell me can i ask for khula and marry that boy.?l

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